Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
