she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
