I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
