I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
