watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he thought i was a dude.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
