I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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