1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
