You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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