just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
