Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
