you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
