Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
