talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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