When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
