according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
