How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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