Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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