Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
