the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
