wakey wakey hands off snakey
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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