I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My liver just broke up with me...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
