all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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