someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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