Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Someone came in the potted fern
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
