so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
