You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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