oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
