If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
