I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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