I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i already hear my dad disowning me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
