Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
