i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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