I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
