she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
