dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
