The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
