I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
