Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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