Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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