Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
