why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
