remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
