yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
