I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
