I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
