I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
