So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
