Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize