I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
