where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
