you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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