I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
