ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
