the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
