I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
