textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
